The more I think about it, the more I realize that the race for president is like one big, fuzzy AA group, a place where candidates go around and make admissions to make people love them and criticize their fellow candidates to make themselves feel better. There’s nothing wrong with belonging to an AA group; personally, I think it’s quite a bold move. We’ve all heard the saying that the first step to solving your problems is admitting that you have them in the first place. Well, the minute the candidates, Democrat and Republican, kicked off they campaigns, they admitted to the world they had a problem: they have the balls (figuratively, of course) to put up with the stupidity that is the American electorate and mass media and that they probably all feel guilty for electing Bush a second time.
As the campaigns roll on, it’s becoming clearer which candidates knew what they were getting into when they first signed up for this self-help group that is the presidential race. Take Mike Gravel of Alaska for example. “Hi, my name is Mike and no one knows who I am. Please let me talk.” See what I mean? He declared that from Day #1. Or Romney. “Hi, my name is Mitt and I’m on my first wife.” Others weren’t quite so sure. McCain: “Hi, my name is John and I’m not exactly sure what it means to be an alcoholic, but everyone else was joining.” Or Kucinich: “Hi, my name is Dennis and I believe in gay marriage, and reparations and young wives and…”
It seems to me that the stage of the game we’re at right now is the point where everyone goes around and, now that they have a little campaign experience and now that their exploratory committees are of no use, they put their weakest cards on the table, the little nasty ones that they want to admit before the press does. “Hi, my name is Hillary and I might not be woman enough.” or “Hi, my name is Barack and I might not be black enough” or “Hi, my name is John and I pay too much to get my hair cut.” In light of all this, it seems like it’s the Democrats that are doing a little better at fessing up to their doubts and flaws, but that’s not surprising: they have the most to gain at the meetings but also the toughest road to travel. The Republicans are being a little more hesitant at admiting what their problems are. (Maybe that’s because they’re all closet alcoholics and they’ve always voted for prohibition.)
This all means that we’re now at the stage where the candidates start surveying each other; you know, tapping their feet and trying to decide who they’re going to take out to the bar afterwards and ask to be the veep candidate. But what does it mean for average joe voter like you and me? We’re the counselors! Oh goody. We get to decide who’s being truthful and who needs to stand up one more time and declare themselves. We’re the moderators and the true alcoholics at heart. So what should are current response to all this be?
Collectively: “Hi Bill!”
